Jason Collins is WITHOUT question a hero….
To anyone considering deleting their Twitter account…
It is with much pleasure and excitement that I accept my nomination for “The Affirmative Action Award” for best white tweeter!
Even the world’s greatest writers struggle to craft great introductions for their articles. BBQ is no different. I am frequently reminded of my literary greatness and insane brilliance:keystroke ratio but it is with much regret that I acknowledge that right now: I’m stuck.
There is no great intro to the kind of fuckery that I am about to cover.
I had high hopes for 2012 but it doesn’t appear that we are any closer to having people analyze the shit that they say than we were in 2011. Aside from what I cover here, people are totally content sounding like retards and somewhere, someone is yelling “YOLO” in reply. People want the KD and Westbrick look but don’t want the education that their corny swag implies.
Before I proceed though, lest anyone think I am targeting one specific race/ethnicity, please allow me to make the following disclaimer:
Please and thanks.
I decided to finally address clichés. Not just ANY clichés though, but the ones that are so incorrect that it baffles me that people have lived 20+ years and not for A SECOND bothered to think about what they have been saying. I mean, your mouth has to REALLY be on autopilot to not catch some of this shit. But anyways, below I have ranked my top 5 most frustrating and incorrectly used that I encounter on a daily basis, whether they be on Twitter (BBQx_), The Gram (BBQx) or at my place of employment.
5.) The Word “Literally”
“Literally” means the exact opposite of how you probably use it. It CAN be used for emphasis, but like most words, it helps to know what it really means.
“Yooo, you hear that new Pusha?? He SHITTED on Wayne…LITERALLY…”
Uhhhhh, nope. I am not going into what the LITERAL version of that scenario would have to entail in order for it to even approach accuracy. I am pretty certain that person meant FIGURATIVELY, unless he has some footage that no one else wants to watch.
But you can see ‘literally’ included in all imaginable non-literal usages.
4.) “Have” vs. “Of”
These words are not interchangeable.
If I was to tell someone, “Hey friend, I OF to go to work tomorrow…” you all would think of me as a shithead. Makes no sense, right? ANYONE can see THAT!
But let me say “Hey friend, I should OF paid more attention before dropping out of school…”
Its HAVE, people. I should HAVE, could HAVE, would HAVE.
3.) “Everything Happens For A Reason”
Yeah, no shit. But not because of fate or some sort of spiritual intervention. But because you make bad decisions. YOU are the reason shit happens, don’t put that on God. You got partied and wound up pregnant, you’re damn right shit happens for a reason! I admire anyone that can turn a negative into a positive, but don’t act like THOSE are the mysterious ways in which God works.
Real shit, I have friends out here living #RawLife saying:
“Of course I ain’t wanna get her pregnant at the time…but I would #OF never had my son…everything happens for a reason…”
Simple human biology is lost on this motherfucker, seriously. Like God just couldn’t wait to give him a baby. But “everything happens for a reason” has been used to justify poor decision making for centuries, and probably always will.
2.) “Complete 360”
This was a tie with first place, actually. We all have heard that person talk about someone they love turning their lives around and describing it as a “complete 360”.
“My son was living a life of sin and the lord intervened…since then he’s done a complete 360…”
This is supposed to be a “180”. If you are traveling in a given direction and you turn around, you deviated 180o off your path, which is great if you are a fuckup. But if you are traveling in a given direction and you do a “complete 360o”, or come full circle (another really bad cliché), you will be heading in the exact same direction you were just traveling.
I’m at the point now that when someone fucks this phrase up and talks about a “complete 360” that I now apologize to them and tell them how sorry I am to hear they failed. This is VERY petty, especially considering the positivity people are trying to express with this cliché, but I figure why not get your life together AND be grammatically/geometrically correct?
1.) “I Could Care Less”
Yeah? Then what’s stopping ya, genius?
This one eats right through me. We have all seen it.
“Yeah, she (Insert emotion-invoking threat or event)…but I COULD CARE LESS…”
Saying that you could care less means that you actually care. You are saying that there is room to not care, but you haven’t yet figured out how to tap into that emotional real estate. You’re too busy caring, probably.
“Yeah I care now, but I’m about to start caring less though…because I can…I CAN care less than what I do…but fuck it, yeah I do currently care…”
What you mean to say is “I couldN’T care less”. This means your caring is at absolute rock bottom. There is no more caring available at this point.
“I am PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY INCAPABLE of caring about this shit any less than what I do currently…which is at zero…and ain’t no amount less than zero…so I can’t care any less…”
We have to do better, people.
Feel free to reply or contact me directly with any questions, comments, slander and/or fuckery.
Tags: bitch, dike, dyke, faggot, hoe, Jordan, Kobe, noodle, Twitter
It was April of 2009 when I opened my Twitter account. Back then, when BBQ was just William in Cincinnati, I was the typical douchebag following celebrities with the hopes of firing that one tweet that would get me a VIP invitation and the recognition I felt I have always had coming to me. I mean, what other purpose for twitter existed?
This is a common perception of Twitter and prior to February of 2011, that’s all I believed it to be too. Since then, thanks to the cities of Philadelphia, Toronto and…whatever the fuck cities are in South Carolina, I have been introduced to an interesting and cutthroat subculture that has forever changed the way I network with people.
You read “its just Twitter” several times per day on your TL, but for me, I think of most of ya’s as a friend. Or better yet, y’all are like some sort of fucked up app that you type shit into when you want to feel like a turd and receive feedback accordingly.
“Hmm…how can I get rid of this wonderful mood I’m in….”
But in all seriousness, Twitter is a neat tool. It will die eventually like MySpace, the U.S. economy and a lot of other awesome shit before it, but it’s a consistent form of entertainment unlike anything else right now. To participate is to love it, BUT….you GOTSTA learn the rules. And I am going to share with you just a few that I have learned thus far……….
COMPLIMENTS ARE NOT PERMITTED
The very first lesson that I learned on twitter and I did so rather quickly: Twitter is NOT the place to be complimentary of an individual’s accomplishments or skill sets whatsoever – unless the person raps or has an insane kick collection. And even then, someone somewhere will shit on it AND you for vouching for it.
This came as a bit of a shock to me because as a white man, we are generally pretty open about our observations, especially if they are complimentary. For instance: its nothing for us to be in the locker room with other men, regardless of color, and make an innocent comment about someone else’s physique. Can you imagine the comments to THAT in tweet form though??
“Okay then, @whomever…I see you been goin hard in the gym!”
Shit is real out here with the compliments, man. Some situations just do not translate well into tweets and I understand that. Now, at least.
We have ALL said similar things at some point. “I’m tryna get like YOU dawg..” or whatever. It just can’t be said on Twitter.
In Philly twitter, you can’t even casually mention their own Aaron Owens’s accomplishments as a streetball legend.
“Get his dick out ya mouf, cuz…”
“You a groupie faggot..”
Seriously? For years the man has been bouncing balls off the foreheads of youth ACROSS THE GLOBE (no Sandusky) and he can’t even receive an honest compliment?!
“He ain’t eem all dat, my nephew jo jo crossed him one time…”
Whatever. Moral of the story: give compliments at your own risk.
BLACK PEOPLE KNOW LITTLE ABOUT US
It is goooood to be white………just ask anyone who ISN’T.
Of the 420+ followers I have accumulated, I would estimate that an easy 95%+ is of African-American descent. Whether I am followed out of genuine interest, shock value or some sort of fucked up social media affirmative action, I don’t know and I don’t care. I am pleased regardless. I have learned so much from ya’s! But sadly, it appears y’all haven’t learned a goddamn thing from me.
Thanks to twitter, I learned that I and all of my Caucasian peers smell like werewolves. Wet ones, at that. I guess no one had the stones to tell me this in person? Good to know now, at least.
One of my followers even tweeted something to the effect of never underestimating our “insistence on making people a sandwich…” Oddly enough around the time of that tweet, I had JUST begun to question if my compulsive sandwich-making for minorities was creating awkwardness when they came over.
I have also learned that the theory that white people look out for each other is still thriving in 2011. Uh, no. We hate each other just like y’all hate each other – and us. I still get traffic citations, all that. Never been in a situation like….
“…well, you were doing about 20 over, sir…but I prefer to look out for my white motorists first and foremost, so drive safely pal…”
Not in this lifetime.
THE WORD ‘FAGGOT’ REALLY MEANS SOMETHING
Whether my fellow white tweeters want to admit it or not, white people have always found gay humor funny. EVERY white person has all 3 Jackass movies on DVD and/or watches Tosh.0 on Comedy Central. In fact, as a white person, you can’t say you have ever been to a party if you haven’t witnessed some poor, unconscious bastard being tea-bagged or having their face farted on.
This is what we do, folks.
Me personally, you would never catch me on the giving nor receiving ends of that because I take myself entirely too seriously, but the shit is funny. In some twitter cliques though, that makes you a faggot and people will disassociate from you without a second thought.
I got hit with the “faggot” label one time for RT’ing a dickpic with the comment “smh”. This was before I knew all of the rules and etiquette associated with twitter. Apparently, I should have hit “reply” to voice my displeasure of seeing a gat on my TL, rather than “retweet”. My followers gave me some shit, but only one person actually unfollowed me (he was corny anyway, did me a favor). But my mentions were nuclear with people who I didn’t even know calling me all kinds of faggots. Like, they wanted me to answer to God over a stupid tweet! I never laughed so hard in my life because in the honky world I would have neeeeeeever gotten that strong of a reaction! Its just par for the course with us. Or maybe white people are all inherently faggots? God I hope not.
But if there is one thing that must be learned is that the word faggot means absolutely nothing to us whites. Think of the word “faggot” as the Crane Kick in Karate Kids I and II (the GOOD ones, not that Jaden Smith shit). In Karate Kid I, Daniel slowly and dramatically executed that Crane Kick and it meant EVERYTHING. It was the foundation for the entire movie!
THAT would be the word “faggot” in the twitter world. But what happened in the 2nd Karate Kid?
Daniel slowly and dramatically raised up with that Crane Kick in a battle scene and Asian bull just waved that shit off like Kobe being told which play to run.
That’s the word “faggot” to us honkies.
THE FOLLOWER RECESSION IS REAL
There was a time when people would just follow you because one of your tweets went platinum. Before long, you needed a strong reference from someone. “Yoooo…follow ______ RIGHT NOW!!!”. Now? You have to be able to help with the rent or some shit.
It isn’t enough to just be entertaining anymore.
I have had ongoing, friendly, humorous dialogue with people who will not follow me. Sure, there are times I have waited for them to take the first step, but most times I will be the one to break the ice. Even after breaking the ice and MORE dialogue, people haven’t followed me. See, I won’t ask for a followback because I ain’t sweating it. “Its only Twitter”, right? Nevermind that I am totally sweating this followback. My pride will not allow me to ask for a followback. I do not believe in that. I want to be followed for my own merits, not because someone felt pressured or obligated to do so. I want to earn it. BUT sometimes I feel like I have earned it and people are just being too stingy with their follows.
Hence, The Follower Recession.
People anymore are afraid to let go of that follow. The follower:following ratio has become an indicator of relevance. Once, it was just fun to read random shit from random people. NOW people really have bought into this bizarre underground celebrity thing. I applaud the @_CDiddy’s and @Hunitproof’s of the world who are strong contributors AND will followback indiscriminantly.
Just know that I will never be one of those people.
Feel free to share with me any Twitter rules or logic that you have learned.